It hits me hard to see you again
After you have been absent from my presence,
It feels as though you are fading
but then the moment I see you once more
I collapse under your command
and hope you can't see
because my life is in your arms
you hold it with a tight grasp
but dare to drop it
and I'll just die
dare to walk a step closer and I'll tear myself to pieces
dare to touch me and I won't hold myself back anymore
Love is on the verge of breakdown
You rip me to shreds
After you have been absent from my presence,
It feels as though you are fading
but then the moment I see you once more
I collapse under your command
and hope you can't see
because my life is in your arms
you hold it with a tight grasp
but dare to drop it
and I'll just die
dare to walk a step closer and I'll tear myself to pieces
dare to touch me and I won't hold myself back anymore
Love is on the verge of breakdown
You rip me to shreds
i like it! you did a good job with this one. the last line, "you rip me to shreds" leaves a very lasting pang for the reader to swallow. i think that the rest, in some parts, lacks a good ring- the tone might have been fuller in certain places where it became too thin for the thoughts you were trying to convey. that is something that i believe you struggle with just a bit, so be sure to watch for it when you revise before posting ; otherwise, a job well done.
ReplyDeleteall your endings are very abrupt, but i get what you're trying to say. i love this poem! jackie, you're a very inspirational writer! and i'm glad i have the priviledge to read your works.
ReplyDeletei wait for more posts, and definitely some more romantic poetry. your colorful words spark ideas in my mind~